Wow! It's been a month since I've posted anything here! And it's just a few days past 3 months since Bill's been gone. I hadn't really planned on posting anything, but this week has been an interesting one for me, about me, and I decided to share it.

Before getting into that, our brother-in-law Don was laid to rest on August 8th. Their son-in-law made a video and sent me the YouTube link. It was a very nice, very small service. I did find out some information from the veteran's cemetery. While burials have never stopped, the committal services have been on hold. I could take Bill's ashes to the cemetery and drop them off for burial, but since we held off on the military rites, I don't want to do that. The governor is the one with the power to start holding them again. Graveside services can be held at public cemeteries, with no more than 50 people, so I don't understand why they haven't opened the veteran ones. Maybe it's time for an email to his office, or to the state senator from our district. He's very big on military issues so maybe he can do something. This doesn't mean that I want to get rid of Bill, I'm perfectly content to have his ashes on the mantle. But, I think the family is needing the closure that the service would bring.

The rash I had develop went partially away and then came back, but not as bad. So, another round of Prednisone and now it is almost gone. But, I finished the prednisone on Wednesday so we'll see what happens in the next few days.

I had two doctor appointments this week. I had been somewhat dreading them since it would be the first time talking about Bill's passing to medical people, but they both went well. The first was the cardiologist and once she knew that he had passed away, she was not concerned about the weight gain (9 pounds!). We also blamed some of that on the Prednisone since all I've wanted to do is constantly eat! But, my blood pressure was totally normal. She still wants to see me in 6 months, but she's thinking that we can start lowering the dosages of the medications. She said I sounded good and she could feel good pulses, so overall she was pleased. 

The second one was the eye doctor and he made it easy to talk about Bill. He had seen the obituary in the paper so he actually brought it up, and then was done after a few words. I do need new glasses, but I haven't had new ones for 3 years. I have a small cataract that is not causing any problems so we're just going to watch that. He was concerned that my eyes don't want to focus on some days and could find no reason for that. It doesn't seem to matter if I've used a lot of electronics or not, some days I just wake up and it's like I don't have my glasses on at all. Then I will get a sharp pain in my head and my eyes will be fine. He does want to run a couple of tests later and I still will see him in 6 months. But, all in all it was also a good appointment, except for the $750 bill!

And now on to what I discovered about myself. I'm still kind of puzzled about part of it, but maybe I'll get it figured out. Everyone here knows that I like to drive, that those daily drives to and from Memphis were my "God" times and I could watch the sunrise or sunset. I didn't like the ones in pouring rain or fog, but for the most part they were enjoyable. The day I drove to Jonesboro to go to Hobby Lobby, I did not enjoy that at all. I felt somewhat disoriented the entire way there and back, I went straight to the store, got what I needed and came straight home. The same thing happened when I went to Dyersburg to Joann's. Felt disoriented, straight to the store, straight home. I even went out on a Sunday morning, just for a drive, got on the highway, knew almost immediately that it was not going to be relaxing and was back home within an hour. But, Wednesday when I headed to Memphis to the cardiologist, I felt totally at peace driving and thoroughly enjoyed the drive. It was cooler and cloudy and traffic was basically light. I decided on the way home that instead of stopping to eat, I would just go through a drive-through and get something easily managed in the car and then took the back way home to avoid a construction area. And enjoyed every mile of it!
That still has me somewhat puzzled, but I'm thinking on it. Maybe the other trips were too soon. I don't know.

I have realized that I feel more relaxed here at home and don't feel like I need to be doing things like cleaning out closets and such. I did straighten out the pantry and I'm going to repurpose it somewhat, but it's nothing that has to be done immediately. I've gotten so if I feel like doing something I do it, but if I don't, I don't.

A friend asked me the other night how I was doing and I thought about it before I answered her. It was in a message, so an immediate response wasn't actually necessary. But, I've come to the conclusion that part of the difference is that I'm not on "high alert" anymore. I'm not waiting for the next crisis to come, or keeping up with every little daily detail. Others have said that they were sure that I miss Bill and I do. But, remember, I also had that 6 months to get used to the idea of him not being here. The time I miss him most is during the day. I was almost always up before him in the mornings by a couple of hours, so my quiet mornings seem like they used to be. And, when I came home from the hospital in the evenings, it was just me and the cats, so that doesn't bother me. But, during the day, when he should be up and watching TV is when I miss him the most, especially if I have the TV on. If it's off it isn't as apparent to me. So, daytime is the worst, but it's not bad either.

I've also discovered something that is really strange to me. We almost always ate in front of the TV in the living room. Sometimes I would decided that Bill needed to move and sit in a better position, so we would eat in the dining room. Now, we don't have a "formal" dining room, but that is where the table is. There is a small breakfast table in the kitchen that was Bill's mothers and I asked her if I could have it when she was gone. It's white wicker, just for 2 and since my kitchen is green and white, it fits perfectly. We never used it because it was usually piled high with junk, but it's all cleaned off now. I decided that I was going to start eating in the kitchen, just mainly to start a new routine. And what I've discovered is that when I do that, I feel very lonely! I don't feel that way eating in front of the TV, maybe because I still did that when Bill was in the hospital. But, I thought that eating in the kitchen, something we didn't do, wouldn't bother me, but it does. As soon as I put my plate on the table and sit down, the thought goes through my head of another solitary dinner...alone. So, I still do it, but I'm eating back in front of the TV more. I asked Shirley, Bill's sister, if it bothered her to eat at the table where she and Don always ate and she said an immediate yes, so she is now eating in front of the TV! She said it doesn't bother her to sit in Don's chair, but she can't eat at the table. Again, the rules of widowhood are there are no rules!

Emily and I went out to dinner last night. The girls were with their fellas and Bryan was working security at the football game. The first place we were going was packed so we didn't think we would be able to get in. I suggested another place and she said that place was having a COVID breakout, so we went to one of the steak houses. We each had the flat iron steak and it was fantastic! But, we had a nice little girls night out. She went home to watch a movie and I came home to watch a terrible ballgame. When the score was 8-0 in the 3rd inning, I changed the channel.

This morning it was gray and foggy. The fog has mostly burned off now but it's still cloudy. We still haven't had any appreciable rain. The other side of town got lots of rain, we got more than we had been getting, but still only about enough to wet the road. We are supposed to get rain from the double hurricanes if the predictions are right, but now of course the farmers need to be in the fields. They have started picking corn this week and it won't be long before it's time to start defoliating the cotton. I'm not looking forward to that. A crop duster went down yesterday in a nearby field. The pilot was killed and it was a little scary for me until they released his name. A friend's son is a crop dusting pilot, so I'm sure they were uneasy too.

You are now caught up with my goings on. I haven't had much success with my plan for this blog, but at the same time I've kind of been scared to actually push the button. So, maybe on this gray day, I'll work on that. All for now, have a good week ahead, especially for all the kids going back to school. I know it's scary for them and their parents.