Here it is New Years Eve. I think everyone will be glad to put this year behind us, for many reasons. It has been a hard year for all of us, with the pandemic and all of the turmoil before and after the election. Of course, for those of us who have lost loved ones, no matter how they were lost, turning the page on the calendar will hopefully heal some wounds and hearts.

I read a disturbing statistic a couple of days ago that puts this pandemic into perspective, at least for me. For quite some time, the daily deaths have surpassed all of the deaths from Sept. 11 and Pearl Harbor. But this latest one was more startling. In December there have been more than 60,000 deaths, just in the United States, which is more than all of the US casualties in the Viet Nam Conflict. In an undeclared war that lasted years, we lost a little over 59,000 service men and women. And I'm not saying this to make their deaths any less meaningful. But, this number was over a period of years, and in less than 31 days, we surpassed that number from the virus. I know we are all getting tired of hearing about the virus, but until we realize that it is up to each of us, not the government, but us to do our part, these deaths will continue. I heard Dr. Threlkeld last night and he said that what we are doing as far as masking, cleanliness and social distancing, is also helping to keep the flu at bay. So, let's solve two problems at the same time and do what we can so that we can get back to a normal life. OK, that's my last public service announcement for the year.

Christmas was good. I had gotten the grandkids here each a necklace with Bill's thumbprint on it. The reverse side said "I love you, Pa Always in my heart" and each name. As soon as McKenna and Brianna opened the box they burst into tears, which in turn made me cry, and then when everyone was leaving, Emily and I had a little cry together. Kayden immediately put his necklace on and said it would only come off when he showered. Kiyann said she loved it, but she was already wearing 2 necklaces and didn't want to add another one.

I still don't feel really well and will probably be back at the dr. next week. I would go today but the office is closed. I don't feel bad enough to go to the ER which is the only option since we don't have a walk-in or urgent care clinic. But, I can tell things aren't right. I think it's probably still just the bronchitis/pneumonia that hasn't resolved, especially with the crazy weather we've had, 60s one day, 30s the next, and lots of wind and rain.

I said in the last post that I would try to find the Christmas pictures and I think I have, so I'll see if I can get them uploaded this time. I wish all of you health, happiness and love for 2021. As most people are saying, it's got to be better than 2020!

 It's the Saturday before Christmas, a dark, cold and rainy day, and I'm as ready as I can be for Christmas. All of the gifts that have arrived have been wrapped and placed under the tree on top of the buffet. There are still a couple floating around somewhere. One of them got as far as Oxford MS before tracking lost it. It went back to St. Louis 4 times in 2 days before it made it that far, so we'll see when it gets here. The house is as decorated as it's going to get and Christmas cards have been mailed. 

Not much has happened since my last post at Thanksgiving. I'm still waiting on a decision from the insurance company on the roof. They thought there would be a decision this week, but I didn't hear anything and nothing new shows online. But, that's OK.

I did get sick again with an upper respiratory thing. It was pretty much the same as when I got sick in October. I could tell for a few days that I was trying to come down with a cold, and it did finally get me. After 5 days, it got hard to breathe some, not alarmingly, but still had a heaviness in my chest. I checked my O2 and it was staying pretty low. So, off I went to the Dr. My Covid test was again negative, but the chest x-ray showed some haziness and the nurse said I was not moving much air through the lower lobes of my lungs. For now, the diagnosis was bronchitis bordering on pneumonia. Another Z-pac and a longer regime of steroids and I feel almost normal again. My O2 level is back to where it should be. I'm still coughing but not as much as before. And what I was coughing up looked like what I used to suction from Bill's trach. But, I'm on the mend.

After we came home from Florida after the transplant, I spent a few years picking a word for the year to live by. I remember the first year was freedom, meaning the freedom from schedules and the freedom to do or not do. This year my word is Renew. I picked it because 2021 is a clean slate for me. Of course you know what the last 2 years have entailed, and the last 7 months have been the ending of our life together. So, Renew...a new life, and not one that I would have chosen, but the one I have nevertheless. It's a time to now make this house "my" home, instead of "our" home. There won't be huge sweeping changes, but changing some things that pertained to couples instead of someone single.

I cleaned out 1 of Bill's closets finally. I hadn't put it off for any emotional reasons, just pure laziness. But when it dawned on me, as I was trying to stuff clothes into my closet, that his clothes had been hanging there for more than a year, and I could use that closet for some of my clothes, I just opened the door and did it. I filled 3 large boxes and they are going to the church around the corner that my daughter attends. They have a lending closet and she said at Thanksgiving there was an abundance of womens and childrens clothes, but not much for men. So, they will go to a good cause. I did get a small jolt when I opened the closet later to use it. It still smelled like Bill! That slapped me in the face since I wasn't expecting it. It didn't make me sad or anything, just startled me.

When I got out the Christmas decorations, Mouse was very intrigued by the boxes. And since I decorated over several days, the boxes stayed in the dining room. He slept on top of the largest one every night. After the first day, he showed no interest in any of the decorations. But, I decided Thursday that I was finished decorating and put all of the boxes away. He has since chewed on the Christmas tree, eaten part of the wreath on the table with Bill's urn, and batted at some small ornaments. Oh, well, we'll get through it.

We're doing family Christmas in shifts this year, Emily's family on the 26th and Ryan's on the 27th. There were some conflicts to doing it together. But, it's OK, keeping it small.

I was going to upload some Christmas pictures for you, but between my phone and this program, they are lost in cyberspace. So they will have to wait.

I was having a discussion on Facebook last night with a friend about the COVID-19 vaccine and the fact that I was going to get the vaccine when it was offered to the public, or at least the group that I fall into. My friend immediately told me that I was being controlled and he was tired of me dictating what others can and can't do. He probably thinks that because I didn't answer his last comment that I was backing down. On the contrary, my phone died and I went to bed. But, I've spent most of my day doing some research and I've decided that on my alternate blog, Musings from a "normal" person, I'm going to do some posts about vaccines and what the Constitution allows governments to do, even though it seems that it is taking away rights. Stay tuned for that if you want, I'll let you know when I've posted.

For now, until I get the pictures found and can post them, I'll just wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year.

This year Thanksgiving is going to be different. I don't just mean for me, it's going to be, or should be, different for the entire nation.  I have turned down every invitation, and declined every offer of someone bringing me a plate from their own dinners. And, I've done it by choice! Now, before you think that I'm wallowing in grief without Bill this year, you would be wrong. Yes, it's going to be different without him, but after the last two years spending the holiday at the hospital, eating the special dinner the hospital provided, I want to be in my own home for the holiday.

I googled "Thanksgiving Dinner for One" and, lo and behold, there was a menu, complete with recipes, for a somewhat traditional dinner for one. It uses a turkey tenderloin, twice baked sweet potato casserole and an individual apple crumble. I'm modifying it a bit. Kroger had turkey breast fillets and I got that instead. It will slice better for sandwiches. And, I got an apple pie from the deli instead of doing the crumble. I do have everything to make it, and maybe I'll change my mind. But, since I'm the only one who has to eat it, we'll see. I'm also going to make a little apple salad and I have the small roll of crescent rolls. I'll add a veggie of some sort and it will be a meal fit for a queen!

Totally against my nature, I'm ready to put the Christmas tree up and I usually don't do that until the first week-end in December. But, it's all I can do to wait until tomorrow is over, at least. I bought a small 4 ft tree to put on a table. I'm hoping that Mouse won't get too curious. He's the reason I don't want to put up the larger tree. I'm afraid he'll try to climb it and knock the ornaments off.

I finally got the estimate for the roof repairs and got the claim started with insurance. Their assessment company will be here Friday afternoon to do their own estimate and then hopefully I can get it finished and get the siding back on in that area.

I got a hospital bill from the restorative hospital and I have to dispute some of the charges. There is a charge for operating room services, and after going through blog posts for the time he was in that part of the hospital, he didn't leave the room from the time he was taken upstairs until they took him back down to ICU. They did change his trach, putting in the longer one, but that was done bedside. So, I need to find out what that's about. There were some non-covered charges on the Medicare EOB and I'm sure they are also on the one from Tri-care. I can't access that one. His account has been locked But, Tricare is sending me a form to send back in to grant access. The amount owed for the bill is exactly double the amount of the non-covered charges, so I'm sure they just took the amount from each of the insurances and added them together. But, that can wait until after the holiday. Legally I'm not responsible for paying the bill, but Bill's estate is, which means that ultimately I am. So, just more of the business of dying.

I noticed that early in the month I was feeling really restless and couldn't settle into anything. I finally realized that it was coming up on the anniversary that Bill went to the hospital. The 14th was the last night Bill spent at home, and the 15th was when I started effectively living alone. So, it's been a year now that it has been just me and the cats. Once I realized that, I was totally fine, and actually feel very content now. I guess I've been lucky that way since I had that time to adjust to being alone unlike most people. 

My sister and I talk on the phone nearly every day, sometimes multiple times a day. This isn't unusual for sisters, except we life 6 hours apart. We discussed today that this is how we socialize during the pandemic. We both like to be alone, so not being around people hasn't really bothered us. But, just talking to another person, whether it's with her or a friend or other family member, keeps us, me at least grounded. We know the world hasn't ended, either because of the pandemic or the election, and we will continue on.

I told a friend today that even with all of the trials we have both been through this year, we are still abundantly blessed. We have extended family and friends, and God has kept both of us. I hope the same for everyone reading this. I pray you have been blessed throughout the year and will continue to be blessed. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

 I was a little disturbed yesterday to see a big packet from the VA in the mail yesterday. My first thought was "What did I leave out/fill out wrong/need to add" again. When I opened it the first page said that it was determined that Bill had been a disabled veteran who had died, we were married for the proper length of time, and I was entitled to received the Dependent and Children's Compensation. DUH! I already knew that! The second page however, told me how much my monthly benefit would be and that it was retroactive back to June 1 and what day of the month I would receive my benefit from now on! It also said that a deposit would be made within 15 days of the determination. The date the determination was made was Oct 7, so I went online and looked at my account and a deposit for the last 4 months had been made last week! I was really surprised! Except for being able to bury Bill's ashes, the business of death has been completed...as far as I know.

There was something else a little upsetting this week. A friend's father passed away and his funeral is Friday...with burial with full military honors in the same cemetery I want to use! I had emailed the governor a couple of weeks ago, asking when the restriction for committal ceremonies would be lifted. So far, other than an automatic response that said my email would be forwarded to the proper department, I have heard nothing. I have also heard nothing from the cemetery. I was told they would contact me when things changed. I've been a little miffed about this, but not as much now as when I first read the other obituary. There could be different reasons that the other burial can take place. It's immediately following a funeral service and a body is being buried, not ashes. But, it still involves an honor guard, 21 gun salute and taps. So, that's still a mystery. I've made a decision about the burial, though.

Since the virus is ramping up again and our area of Arkansas is now considered a "red zone", with Blytheville being a "red zone city", I have decided to wait until spring to hold the burial. I have until May 16 for it to continue to be free. And if it's after that date, the cost is very low, $300 to open the grave. I don't know, but maybe the year deadline will be waived because of the virus. At any rate, it's not safe for people to travel to this area, especially with young children, and the weather is deteriorating now. So, we'll wait until spring. I feel very comfortable with this decision.

I have recovered with whatever I had. Surprisingly, the granddaughter who had the exact same symptoms as I did, but tested positive for the virus, recovered when I did, with the same antibiotics and steroids I had. So, we're not sure she actually had the virus. But, her quarantine is over and she made it through it. 

Today is grandson Kayden's 16th birthday. He's having a bonfire Friday night with some of his friends and one of them is staying over. I'm taking both of them out for breakfast on Saturday morning.

I still have not gotten the estimate and pictures for the roof repairs even though I have contacted them again. If I don't hear by the end of the week, and it will be 4 weeks by then, I will contact another company. I haven't opened a claim with insurance because I wanted to have the estimate and pictures to send them.

So, that's the latest update from here. Stay safe, stay warm (or cool).

I surprised my mom by going to Illinois last week! My sister was the only one who knew that I was coming. I actually had to go to do her taxes since the deadline was fast approaching. Also surprised my brother and sister-in-law and niece. We had a good visit, but I had to cut the visit a little short because of Hurricane Delta. We were supposed to get heavy rain on Saturday and I really didn't want to drive in that, so came home on Friday. I was ready and my sister was ready to get rid of me! It was a lovely drive home (takes about 6 hours) with light traffic. But, as soon as I crossed the Arkansas state line, about 5 miles from home, it started raining! And it was raining so hard when I got home I had to sit in the car for a bit. Saturday's rain wasn't really heavy but steady from sometime in the night and all day.

Tuesday I woke up with a headache and just chalked it up to changing beds again. I had it all day and it moved from the front of my head to the back of my head just off my left ear. I had it all night and still had it on Wednesday. I took my blood pressure and it was higher than normal, not high enough to warrant a trip to ER, but higher than my cardiologist wants it. So I figured that could be what was causing the back of the head headache. I also had some sinus issues with lots of drainage.

Yesterday, Thursday, I still had the headache back full force and my sinuses were draining so much that I was a little nauseous and my throat hurt. But, during the morning, I developed some diarrhea (I know too much information). So, especially since my blood pressure was still up, I called and got in to see my nurse practitioner. In light of my travel, even though I was masked whenever I went anywhere, and do here at home, she wanted to test for COVID-19. She was concerned about the BP being up, but she was more concerned about the diarrhea, especially after I told her how much Imodium I had taken. She said that she had other patients that their only COVID symptom was digestive issues. So, a flu swab and the COVID swab and I was sent home to quarantine until I got the results. I couldn't even pick up my meds. Emily got them on her way home from work. I got a Z-pack and some Prednisone. Luckily I had gone to get groceries so I've got plenty of food. I also had to cancel my chimney sweep. I was told that he could still come as long as we were both masked and stayed 6 feet apart, but I didn't want to expose him unnecessarily.

I feel much better today, headache mostly gone, diarrhea mostly gone and sinuses under control. I know that's due to the meds. But, the test results came back really fast and I am NEGATIVE for both flu and COVID! A granddaughter also was tested yesterday and she has not gotten her results and they were done in the same office and sent to the same lab!

I do go back to the dr. next week for a follow-up and to get my flu shot. They are also checking to see when I got my pneumonia shot the last time to see if I can go ahead and get the Prevnar-13 shot. I think it's been more than a year, but I'm not sure. It's also time for my Medicare Wellness visit so they are also setting up a mammogram. I requested the non-invasive colon test instead of the colonoscopy. I'm a couple of years overdue for that because of Bill being in the hospital and my gastro dr. doesn't do the noninvasive test. I do have to sign a waiver that I know it's not as accurate and if it does show something I will have the colonoscopy. But, nothing was found on the last one so I'd rather do this now. 

Still no word from the VA except for an acknowledgement that they are compiling the information they need. And still no estimate from the roofing company so that I can file a claim with insurance.

So, that's how my weeks have been, good and bad. And there's still no word from the governor about opening the cemeteries for committals. But, since the virus is increasing again, I doubt it will happen any time soon. For the burial to stay free it has to be done within the first year and today is 6 months. I would hope they would waive the 1 year requirement due to the virus so we'll just have to see what happens in the future.

Hope everyone is staying safe and well. 

After my rant the other day about the VA, the week ended nicely...until today. 

I dropped my car off at the tire shop Friday morning at 7:30 and it was ready at 9:15, but I had to wait until noon to get it so that Emily would be on her lunch break. The roofer came at 10:30, right on time, and the first thing he started marking was the downspouts of the gutter. He said we had a hail storm on April 28 and everything he was marking was hail damage. He also marked several places on the roof and chimney. I didn't know we had had a storm, but I was in Memphis then and wouldn't have tried to look in the dark for any damage. Anyway, Marco is going to email the estimate along with pictures of everything so that I can forward them to the insurance company. He said that even though it is quite a ways out from the storm date, they are still doing storm damaged roofs. So, maybe the insurance company will pay for most of the damage and I won't have to be out as much money!

When I got home from getting the car, and I was probably only gone 10 minutes as the place is really close, there was this cute little door hanger. I did find out who it was from. It made me tear up a little because of the pumpkin that wasn't there, but it's still cute.

 Today my laptop updated in the middle of trying to download the video of Bill's Memorial Service and sent it into an endless loop. I was able to do a system restore, which didn't help a whole lot and now I'm reversing it. I can't get on the internet, not that the hardware isn't working, Microsoft Edge won't work. But the good thing today is that the chimney sweep called this morning and he will be here the 16th. He was supposed to come last week, but it rained on the day he was supposed to come so he's just now getting caught up again.

Now, the following is what I wanted to post the other day. It's just some of the things that I learned during our journey. Maybe they will help someone else.

A lot of people have commented that things that I've posted throughout our journey have been helpful to them, or given them something to think about. 

Things I Learned Through Trial and Error

Take dated notes. Those are invaluable because doctors do forget when they've ordered something. or wondering if something happened and when. There were many times that I would just say "hang on" and look it up, either in my notes or the blog.

Ask questions. Most states have mandated that medical decisions/conversations must be with caregivers included.

Befriend nurses and technicians. They are a wealth of information and will be happy to answer questions. They can also provide a little better care if you show interest and be friendly. This also applies to housekeepers. Your room will get a little better cleaning if you are nice. Since Bill was in contact isolation, gowns and masks, I would place all of the trash cans by the door to the room. That way the housekeepers did not have to gown up just to empty the trash. Did I have to do that, no. Was it appreciated, immensely. Also, try to move things off the floor, including holding your feet up so they floor can be cleaned. Did I do this all of the time, no, but I did it most of the time. This may just get a little extra attention paid to the cleanliness of the room.

Don't be afraid to help if necessary. Glove up if necessary and watch procedures if possible. Sometimes an extra hand is needed and there are no staff members available. But, if it is something that would cause harm to you or the patient, don't do it.

Know medications. Know the home meds as well as any new meds given in the hospital and question if normal meds are changed and why. Ask what new medications are for. There was one time an IV was going to be hung when Bill hadn't had any IV meds and when I questioned the nurse it was discovered that it wasn't for him! She had gotten the patients confused. This does happen, so be aware of what your patient is on.

Be assertive if necessary. You know the patient the best even though some staff members, especially some doctors, won't like the input. Others will welcome it. If you have followed the blog earlier, you will remember me complaining about this many times and saying "but what do I know, I'm just a wife".

Grow a thick skin. The patient may take all of their frustrations and fears out on you. This can come from meds or fear/confusion. It could also stem from dementia. It's OK to call them out on it instead of just letting them get away with it. But, don't take it personally.

I wanted to put these things on a separate page, and I thought that the main page would show it as a separate tab, but it didn't. So, I'll have to do a little more work on that. But, this will work for now. I've got a couple of others in the works that people had asked about, or commented on as being good to know.

It's a beautiful October afternoon after a chilly morning. I broke down and turned the heat on since it was only 61 in the house this morning, but I'll probably turn it off tonight. I like sleeping in a cooler room. All for today. Hope the hints help!

 I had planned on a short update, but this was not the one I planned.

Today was bill paying day and as usual on the first of the month I checked to see if I had gotten a VA benefit payment. And as usual, there was nothing from them. For some reason I decided to look at my VA account to see if I could find out why it was taking so long. So, I logged in and saw that I had two letters. Now it said that I had been sent these letters, but I had not gotten them, nor had I gotten an email that I had the letters.

The first letter just said that I was eligible for veteran preference when applying for a job. I'm not planning on applying for any, but good to know. The 2nd one said that I was not eligible for benefits because Bill was not a 100% disabled veteran! What! Wait a minute, yes he was, from March 2008! So, after I centered myself and paid the bills, I called the VA. 

I got a very nice woman who said that it showed where I had gotten the accrued benefit that was due Bill and that I had gotten the burial allowance, but it didn't show that any claim for benefits was filed, or at least, in the system! I told her that I had filed them in June and I wouldn't have gotten the Presidential Citation if I hadn't filed anything because that paperwork was included in the packet of forms. She told me that I could refile because she could tell from looking at his record that he was indeed 100% disabled, and she emailed me some new forms.

Now, these forms are very confusing to begin with and I didn't relish having to pull all of the records again. BUT, as I was venting to my sister, I thought to see if I had scanned them into my computer and sure enough there was a VA file. I decided to fill out the new forms and mark them "Second Submission" and also send in the original forms marked "Original". I also wrote a letter with it detailing everything. Don't worry, Mom, I didn't say what I really wanted to say, I was nice!

I saw that the email had come from the Benefit Processing Office in Wisconsin, which could explain the fiasco. The forms say on them to send them to the nearest Regional VA center. That is in Little Rock, and when Bill was applying for his benefits, he had to file them 4 times, certified mail each time. They would tell him they hadn't received them and to send them to so and so's attention. I remember him telling them that the signature on the return card was that very person! So, I figured it was just the incompetence of that office. I called the VA back and I was told to either mail it to the office in Wisconsin, or fax it to the number on the letter. So, tomorrow morning, my daughter is going to fax 20 pages, not including a cover page, for me!

The original forms were dated June 5, and most people probably wouldn't have let it go this long, but I know how slow the government can be. It took nearly 3 months to get the final payment for his military retirement, so I hadn't been too concerned until I saw that letter. 

I'm taking my car in tomorrow for new tires and an oil change. I know I put 30,000 miles on them driving back and forth to Memphis and they had checked them with an oil change. They said there was still good tread, but a couple of them had been plugged, so I figured it was time to do it, before winter came. Emily is going to meet me before she goes to work and bring me home. I hope it will be ready when she goes to lunch to come and get me to pick it up. 

I also have a roofer coming tomorrow. My room tear-off project still has not been completed. It was decided that the roof needed to be done before the siding went back on. So, he's coming tomorrow to see if I just need to repair that area or replace it completely. I will be glad to get it done. I was going to see if he would build a covering over the open area, but I think now I'm just going to get an awning to put up.

I did get the replacement presidential citation since the post office bent the other one. It is very nice.

I also received this EOB from Medicare recently. Luckily Tricare will pick this up.

The cats have both been under the weather and had to get shots last week. One of the carriers broke when I was getting ready to take them to the vet, so had to do it one at a time. They aren't itching like they were, but Mouse has been sneezing most of the week and Cat started sneezing this evening.

That's about it. I've been doing fine for the most part, keeping busy when I want to and sitting and knitting or reading when I don't want to do anything. Our weather has gotten cooler now and it has been a little nippy in the mornings. It was 47 this morning and only in the low 70s for the high. Feels a lot better than the 90s!

I'll do my other post later since this one has gotten so long. Stay tuned!