It's with a heavy heart that I write this tonight. I received a call this afternoon from Bill's sister that her husband passed away this afternoon. He had been holding his own with COVID , but went into cardiac arrest this afternoon. They were able to bring him back once, but not a second time.

Shirley is holding it together. I feel so bad for her having to deal with another loss so soon after losing her brother. And I would really like to be packing a suitcase and heading to Florida to be with her, but I know that it isn't safe for me to do that. She understands that, but we need the sister time together.

Her daughter lives nearby, but all of Don's sons live in New England. Most of them have small children, with 1 just born in March. So, they aren't able to come now either. Don's sister lives in Tennessee and, because of age and the virus, also isn't able to travel. But, my heart is with her.

We did decide that Don is at the organ, Bill has his trumpet, and Shirley and Don's daughter Kim has her violin and Bill's mother is getting quite a concert tonight. We were both going to have a glass of wine and toast Don, and I know I did it.

So, this is short, the news is not good, but that's all I have right now. I've been doing well. I still can't schedule Bill's burial, so he's hanging out on the mantle! The girls, McKenna and Kiyann, have decided that we don't have to take his urn out to eat on Monday morning for their birthday breakfast. We were going to have a picnic at the cemetery, but since we can't do that, we're going to do what we normally did. Kayden is going to come this time. He has missed his last 2 breakfasts because Bill was in the hospital. Brianna hasn't had one in a couple of years either and she'll be working Monday.

Keep us in your prayers, especially Shirley. She's really kind of lost right now...and I know the feeling. 

It has been an exhausting and emotional 3 days. Family members started arriving Thursday evening with the majority of them coming in on Friday. While I was waiting for people to come, I met Kayden and Joe at the church and we figured out the video camera and the sound system. The camera did well enough with the sound that I didn't need to buy the external microphone. But, live and learn.

I got Bill's Presidential Citation Thursday, and even though in big blue letters it says "DO NOT BEND" on the front and back, yep, you guessed it, our carrier folded it to stick in in the mail slot! Why she didn't just stand it on top, or lay it on the step, or put it between the doors is beyond me, but the citation is ruined. There is a form that can be faxed to get a replacement and Emily is going to do that tomorrow and have the new one sent to her office, but I'm taking this one to the Post Office tomorrow to show the postmaster. It probably won't do any good, but it will make me feel better!

I had a good visit with my sister and brother Friday evening, along with a niece and her friend. Brooke managed to cut my hair and then Larry and Ronna and I went to dinner together. Since they were leaving right after the dinner on Saturday, I told the kids that we would visit after the service, that I really wanted to just visit with my family Friday night, and that was agreeable to all of them.

The service on Saturday was all I could have wanted it to be and I think Bill would have been pleased. He had always told me that he didn't care about his service other than he wanted a military funeral because he wouldn't be there! But, since his ashes still can't be buried, as the pastor put it, "Bill's with us today".

It was mostly family, but when you consider there were 39 family members there, that almost filled half of the church. A former co-worker of Bill's was there, he just happened to learn of the service from the pastor at his church last Sunday. And my best friend said she ran every stop sign to get there, but she made it. The church did a lovely dinner and I don't think there were many leftovers. 

The Illinois family got on the road, others went home/hotels to change clothes and then most came to the house. We looked through old pictures and listened to the kids play. It was so hot they couldn't go outside to play. I was really glad that the cats were at the vet for the week-end, but I miss them now that everyone is gone.

I was totally exhausted by the time everyone left and was falling asleep in my chair, but when I went to bed I couldn't sleep. But, I did sleep in this morning and have felt rested and at peace all day. I know that I did the best that I could for Bill.

As far as his sister and her husband, Don is slightly improving. They are waiting for plasma and the drug they are using to arrive. All Shirley could tell me about that today is that it is in Florida now. They have been taking Don off the bi-pap periodically to see if they can get him to drink some. She also said he is getting agitated when they move him, which is a good sign, and his kidney function is improving. So, the prayers have been heard and answered.

I'm attaching several pictures from this last week, from when Bill came home from his sleep-over and the service. I'm not going to try to caption all of them (still haven't figured that out yet), but they are pretty self-explanatory!

 I have a new plan for this blog now that Bill's journey is almost complete. I want to keep writing, so I working on a new format. There may not be any posts for a bit, or I may get it switched over pretty quick. I wanted to wait until yesterday was over. So, stay tuned!

Just a short post for tonight.

As we prepare to say good-bye to Bill tomorrow, I want to ask all of you to pray not only for me and the kids and grandkids, but for his sister and her husband. Don is hospitalized in Florida with COVID-19 and this evening was moved to ICU. He's not on a ventilator...yet, but is on a bi-pap machine. Shirley is so worried, especially since she can't be with him, and she has also been tested, but doesn't have any results yet. She's just been self-quarantined.

I will do a longer post about the service sometime Sunday after all the family has gone back home. Just remember to keep us all in prayer, especially Don and Shirley Hand.

Here it is, July 4th already! After the days being the same for so long, time is really moving along now, or so it seems. In my neighborhood last night, you would think that it was the 4th. A nd, people don't know how to shoot fireworks! They are buying the aerial ones and putting them in the middle of the street. Those did make it into the air. Then, I suspect with alcohol giving a helping hand, they just started lighting them and throwing them...at cars and houses and in neighboring yards. They were far enough from me that I was safe, but a couple of them came pretty close. After that barrage stopped, a car took off quickly from there and I suspect they were after more fireworks. But, I went to sleep and don't remember hearing anymore. So, tonight should be interesting. Mouse did not like the sounds. He didn't mind the thunder we had, but he did not like the fireworks. 

I finally have my door hung! Ryan, Joe and Kayden came yesterday and got it hung. They are going to come back next week, it may just be Joe and Kayden, and start to get the siding back on. I didn't want them working today because I know that Joe and Mistie are having a cookout and Ryan and Amanda are packing to move closer to his farm job. Kiyann helped me in the house yesterday and is coming back this coming week to make sure everything is ready for next week-end. I imagine people are going to all be arriving on Friday, with a couple coming on Thursday. It seems like my to-do list of things that must be done before next week-end just keeps getting longer and longer.

I went to the dr. this week. I had an area of welts come up, on my upper chest. I thought that maybe a spider had gotten into bed with me, or a skeeter and had a nice meal. But, after 4 days of intense itching, and then smaller spots appearing on the backs of my hands, I decided I'd better get it checked out. What we do know is we don't know what it is. It isn't shingles as it crossed the midline. They only appear on one side or the other. The nurse practitioner thinks it might be poison ivy, but there are no pustules. And the ones on my hands only go to just past my wrist bone and have started to migrate to the underside of my arm and the pad of my thumb. I've also noticed that the knuckle on my right index finger at my hand is swollen and sore, as is my right big toe, which hadn't hurt for months, and my right hip, not down my leg, just my hip. After doing some research online, and I know, that can be very dangerous, I do believe it is a flare of psoriasis brought on by a flare of psoriatic arthritis. Now, I've not been diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis, but I have brought it up to the dr. several times and just get poo-pooed. But, I have every symptom listed for it. It has probably been brought on by the stress of getting things ready for the memorial next week. I would think that the stress of the 6 months Bill was in the hospital would have brought on the stress hives, but I didn't have a single spot. I haven't felt especially stressed but Bill's daughter suggested that it was subconsiously acknowledging that this was one of the last things I could do for Bill. And maybe that's true. Anyway, I got some hydrocortisone cream and some hydroxyzine pills since I'm not supposed to take prednisone. (It gives me a rash). But the hydroxyzine made the itching more intense so I stopped taking that. And I'm being bad. Bill had some low-dose prednisone left that I kept and I've been taking 1 a day along with Benadryl every 4-6 hours. If I could still get Zantac I would take that too. That combination works wonders on hives. It is a little better this morning so maybe I'm getting a handle on it.

Bill has spent the last couple of days back at the crematory. To switch urns, it has to be done there as the urns have to be sealed. She also picked up the little bag of fine ash to put into my bracelet. She thought she would be able to get them back to me yesterday, but didn't. I told Kiyann he was having a sleep-over!

I need to go through my jewelry today and see if I have a plain gold chain that I can put his wedding bands on. I've had them on my key chain and I'm afraid they're going to get beat up or come off and get lost. So, that's on my list of things to do now too. Like I said, it just keeps getting longer and longer.

That's it, I think. The memorial service has been set and some family members are opting to wait to come until the graveside service. They are thinking that it is the actual funeral since it will have the military rites with it. And that's OK for them to think of it like that. There still isn't any time for it set yet, as they are still closed.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday. Celebrate this great country of ours, with all of it's ugly past, along with the good. I still wouldn't want to live anywhere else!

I got some answers this week, and you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men...Where the mice comes in for that saying is a mystery, but you get the idea.

Monday I finally got a person at the cemetery! And, one of the reasons I hadn't heard anything, even though it is really more of a copout than anything is that all national cemeteries are closed as far as having committal ceremonies and burials. They are not closed to visits, which is why I could drive through, but due to the virus, they are no burials or any kind being done. I did read where a family did a drive through burial where they all had to stay in their cars, but there were no military honors provided. I understand that, but why couldn't they have updated their website with that information, or better yet, answered my email, or fax! The same with the veteran's advocate here. Why, especially in this day and age, is the phone number not forwarded to a personal cell phone, or a home phone for that matter? Anyway, we can't hold the graveside service at this time and I can't have an honor guard for the memorial service at the church. But, that's OK. I told Emily I'll just get to keep Bill home with me for a little longer. There is no timeline for the cemeteries to open as far as the man I spoke to knew, he said they were told maybe the end of August.

I've talked to the church and the pastor I want to perform the memorial service and we've set a date for it. It's going to be July 11. I had mailed a letter to all the family that I knew was coming to the services right before I heard from the cemetery. So, I had to text everyone to let them know to disregard the part of the letter about the graveside service being held on the 10th. 

After talking to the church about the service, I figured I'd better bite the bullet and go to church Sunday. I did make it, there were only 12 of us there, and no-one made a big deal out of me being there, which is a good thing. I don't know if I could have handled that. Just hugs from everyone. I don't know if it will be an every week thing or not yet, I'll just play it by ear.

The programs and bookmarks have come in and they are very nice. I'll post a picture of them later. The guest book has also come in and there is an error on it, but it's my mistake. I typed a date wrong, so it shows that Bill was nearly 1000 years old! I typed 1043 instead of 1943! But, the company had my phone number so they could have called to double check it, or just used their brains to figure out what it should have been. Anyway, I think that it can be fixed. It won't look as nice, but the book will be open anyway.

The video camera also came in and it didn't have the bigger microphone that I thought was supposed to be included. What I thought was the mic from the picture was a table top tripod. So, back to Amazon to order a microphone. It should be here Tuesday.

I also ordered another urn for Bill's ashes. I hadn't planned on a different one, but the cemetery suggests a metal or wooden urn and his is just a temporary heavy cardboard one. And since he's now going to be at the memorial service, it will look nice on the table with his medals.

After thinking I had all of the paperwork done, I got a big packet of forms from one of the investment accounts. The account has been switched to my name, but now I have to apply for an IRA. I just want to leave everything like it is for now. I'm probably going to consolidate everything with a local firm, but that's something that I thought could wait a bit. I read through the paperwork, skimmed it actually, and I think I have 5 years before I have to do anything with it since it is inherited by a spouse. So, on another day, where I think I want to really use my brain, I'll go through them. Right now they are in the accordian file folder with everything else.

It's a cloudy, rainy morning and I would like to be sitting on our little screened in patio in Florida with my coffee. But, when I went out to feed the cats it's so muggy I could hardly breathe. Nearly 80 already at 6 am! So, I'll stay in and listen to the thunder. I've been busy getting things done in the house so that people won't be totally horrified when they come, not that I'm planning on being the gracious hostess. But, remember, nothing was done in the house for the 6 months Bill was in the hospital and it really needed attention.

My friend Phillis wanted the old cat tree for her cat Troubles, so I took it to her on Tuesday. I had told her the day Bill died that when I was ready I would come and see her. We sat on her back porch...for 4 hours! We talked, we laughed, we cried and just had a good visit. We may go to Dyersburg soon. She wants to go to the health food store in the mall and I want to go to Joann Fabrics. So, that should be fun.

One thing I'm finding this week is my thoughts on his ashes is changing. I had never felt the need, or thought I felt the need, to have his ashes sitting on the mantel. But, I've found a little comfort having them in the bedroom on the dresser. And, silly as it may sound, I do talk to him, mainly to tell him goodnight, but I ask him if I'm doing things right. And, I didn't think I wanted a keepsake of his ashes, but I found a website that sells bracelets that are also for a cause. There were several different ones, saving the rainforest and gorillas, elephants, the arctic and the coral reefs and sea turtles. These bracelets have 2 glass tubes. One of the tubes is filled with something depicting the cause. The sea turtle one has ground up pieces of the netting that turtles are getting caught in. The other one is empty and can be filled with whatever the wearer wants. I did get the sea turtle one as his niece Karen worked with rehabbing sea turtles in Florida for awhile and I'm going to put the small bag of ashes in the other tube. I do have to have the crematory do it, as well as move the other ashes to the new urn, as they have to be sealed. I did look at his ashes the other day. The top of the box he's in now opens. They looked nothing like what I thought they would. They are very coarse while the ones for the bracelet looks like fine sand. It didn't bother me to look at them, and Kiyann wanted to see them too and she wasn't bothered by them. She held the urn in her lap for a long time.

I did tell Kiyann that we wouldn't be able to have the birthday picnic at the cemetery, but maybe we'll carry his ashes outside to the patio and have our picnic there. I haven't talked to McKenna about it yet. I don't really want to carry them into a restaurant, so we won't do that, but we'll come up with something.

I think that's all. I still don't have my door installed. Emily asked me this week what Heath had said and I told her I hadn't heard anything from him. She just said "Hmm". Maybe she'll talk to him at church tomorrow. I would really like to have this little project done and the dumpster gone before people start getting here. I'm going to need the parking space! It's getting darker and darker now with a little thunder. Good thing I've got a couple of new books to read. The weather is making me ache all over today, so I don't think I'll be doing much. Have a good week-end.

The first month is in the books, and all in all it hasn't been that bad. Yes, I got used to living alone while Bill was in the hospital for so long, which made it easier. And, yes there are still days when the tears come, but I expect that will also get easier yet never go away. And it's little things that bring them. Bill's oldest daughter told me she got her daughter a new dress for the funeral that's soft and cuddly and Petra asked her if she thought that Grandpa would like it and give her a big hug in it. They haven't told the kids yet, they're waiting until they come for the memorial service. But, it's little things like that .

I FINALLY found Bill's ribbons! They were in a small box at the bottom of a bigger box full of useless computer components and cables! His name tags, metal stripes, other insignia and his dog tags all together. I KNEW they were there, but he had moved them from where I had seen them before in the room. Who knows what he was thinking! Anyway, I made a trip to Hobby Lobby and got a shadow box and a couple of display stands and I have an idea for a display for the memorial service since we won't have his ashes or a body. When it's put together I'll post a picture, but I think it's going to work nicely.

All of the paperwork has been done and sent off, including the ones for the Veteran's Cemetery. I still have heard absolutely nothing from them. Everything was faxed, all 14 pages this past week. They wanted a copy of every DD214 Bill had. That's the form you get when you separate from the service. He had one from the Marine Corps that was barely legible, then the Air Force, then the Air National Guard, and then the Air Force again. Luckily Bill had all of those...and I knew where they were and they were where they were supposed to be! Emily told me if we don't hear anything from them soon, she will get our state senator involved. He's a veteran and fights for veterans and can get things done.

The insurance money has come and I now know how much my Social Security will be. In addition to my regular check, I will also get the Widow's Benefit. I thought I was only going to get whichever was larger, but according to the letter I got, and the deposits in my account, I will get both. I still don't know what the VA benefit will be and I'm waiting for Bill's final SS deposit and the pro-rated military retirement. I haven't been notified that the investment accounts have been switched to my name, but since I'm not doing anything with those it's OK. The insurance company did send a check refunding the last premium that was taken out of his military retirement, but they made it out to Bill. So I had to see what to do about that. I had to send it back and they will re-issue it in my name. I do still have some things to cancel or change to my name, but nothing pressing.

I STILL don't have the door! Well, I have the door but it's sitting in the apartment. After getting the new contract signed and more money paid, they called late Saturday evening with the install date....August 17th! I told them that was unacceptable since that part of the house is wrapped in plastic. The siding can't be finished until the door is hung. So, Monday morning I headed back to Lowe's and cancelled the install part of the contract, which they did with no argument at all, and then Emily, Bryan and I picked up the components Monday evening when Bryan got off work. They have a friend that is hoping to get it installed this coming week. He is a contractor so he knows how to do it and then the siding can be finished! But, since all of this I have seen posted on Facebook several complaints about Lowe's. One friend ordered a cooktop in April and still hasn't gotten it delivered. Another one ordered some things that showed in stock in her store and 2 days later she finally gets the email they were ready to be picked up, but 1 item was out of stock. She cancelled that order, ordered the same items from Home Depot and 2 hours later was on her way to the store.

Anyway, Bill's sister and her husband have decided not to try to come for the services. His health is not good and they would have to fly and they just aren't comfortable doing that right now. I totally understand and told Shirley that I knew what she was dealing with. So, last night I ordered a new video camera and we are going to record the services for them, and my mother if she wants to see it. We already have a tripod so I just need to recruit someone there to monitor it.

I've also designed the memorial program, purchased the guest book and bought a new cat tree. They both wanted to be on the top shelf of the old one, so I got a super duper one that has 3 high shelves and 3 hidey holes. It's 72" tall and goes to the top of the picture window. I was pretty proud of myself for getting it put halfway together...until I put the wrong numbered post in one place and then couldn't get it off! So, I called Mistie and Joe and Joe had it finished in 30 minutes, after I had worked on it for 2 hours. But the instructions were easy to follow, my hands just don't have enough strength in them. I was surprised he didn't have to go back and tighten all of the screws I had done! And, they love it! They are both sleeping on it now. But, my hands are so sore I can hardly type and my entire body aches from moving the boxes around (Fedex did set them inside the house for me) and lugging 22 pounds of cat food to the kitchen. But, the Aleve will kick in before long...I hope.

I've spent many hours on the phone this week with my sister. That's not something new, but what is new is 2-3 times a day. That wouldn't sound odd if we lived in the same area, but she's in Illinois! We've been talking about the lunacy going on with changing the names of products and all of that. The last one that I saw was that it's no longer acceptable to say "Master Bath" or Master Bedroom" when selling a house! So that got us on to what are they going to do about the "Masters" golf tournament and what is a "Master Craftsman" now going to be called. What is next?

So, there you have my week. It's gotten hot and dry now, although we have rain coming this coming week. The leaves on one of my trees are turning brown and it's not the only one on the block, so the rain will be welcome. Summer has definitely arrived (and it will be official this evening). Have a good week!

I almost forgot! Melvin Franklin Wagner IV made his appearance on the 17th! If that isn't a presidential name! Mom and baby are doing fine and he is a definite keeper!

Another week that seems like it just sped by. But, it was a decent week for the most part.

McKenna and I went to the cemetery Saturday morning. We did take a back road that will be much easier when there is a line of cars travelling together. It took about the same amount of time but lots less traffic. She approved of the cemetery and we both had a teary moment when we decided that "Pa" would like it there. Coming home I went even a different way and we ended up coming in through Jonesboro, which added another hour to the trip. But, we didn't have anything else to do. She and Logan were going to the races that evening, but we had plenty of time.

I think I got everything filled out for the VA paperwork. It's been sent back anyway. The only thing now is the one from the military, and I got it yesterday. It has to be witnessed, so I told Emily if they were coming in to town today to come by.

The cats came home Monday afternoon and I don't know if they were glad to see me, but I was sure glad to see them! They've settled in again now. They aren't sleeping in the bed with me. Mouse did for the first night and then he decided he wanted to sleep on the bedside commode! He even managed to pull a blanket from the stack next to it to lay on. They are also doing some strange things, like lay next to each other! They never did that before but they've done it a couple of times now, and both will even get in my lap together which is another first.

I still don't have my door. I called Lowe's yesterday since it had been 10 days and when they looked at the contract, the door itself hadn't been added to the contract! So, after checking with two different supervisors, they are voided that contract and refunding that money, all but what I paid for some extra stuff, and then this morning I'm going in and redoing the contract. He said he will have everything pulled and set aside for the installer and he was going to beg to get the earliest install date. So, maybe by this time next week I will have a door, and the siding can be finished and the dumpster can go away.

Not that I've been in seclusion, but I did see some people this week outside of family. My best friend from work and I video chatted for more than an hour Sunday morning. She's the one who invited me to the sleep-over earlier that I just wasn't ready for. Then, later in the week another former co-worker stopped by. She was in the area and saw my car in the driveway. We had a good visit and for the entire 2 hours, not 1 tear was shed. Then I ran into another former co-worker in Walmart. There were a couple of tears that time, but not many. So, it's getting easier to see people.

I realized one morning this week that I have a lot of time on my hands early in the morning now. And it comes from not updating this every day. My routine had been to check email, update this and, if there was time scroll through Facebook. Then, dressed and out the door. Now, it seems strange not to do this every day. Just more of the new normal. And speaking of the new normal, I saw an ad for a book on Facebook on dealing with the new normal from His Heart ministries, I think. Anyway, the comments on it were terrible! People saying they refused to live the "new normal" and if others didn't like it too bad. Comment after comment after comment like that. So, I finally couldn't help myself and asked if they thought that there were all kinds of new normals and that mine started 3 weeks ago when Bill died. Would I like it to go back to the way it was before? Of course I would, but it's not going to happen, so I'm forced to live a new normal. The only response I got was a condolence post from the ministry, but maybe it made some people stop and think. A new normal due to the pandemic is just an inconvenience for a while. A new normal for someone who has lost a family member of any relationship is lasting. But, I don't need to tell y'all that!

I've been working on the memorial service some this week still. I've narrowed down the dates and I've decided that if people can't come, that will be a decision they have to make. The only one I'm really concerned about is Bill's sister and her husband. They will have to fly from Florida and they are still a little apprehensive about that which is understandable. But, they don't have anyone who could drive them. But, they've said they just hope they can be here for it. So, in the next few days I will nail down the dates for sure and then let everyone know. I say dates because it's going to have to be broken into 2 days. The burial itself will be just for family and since it takes 3 hours round trip driving, plus the 30 minutes we are allotted for the service, that's already a long day. So the public memorial service will be the next day.

That's about it. We had some lovely wind from the tropical storm and not much rain. I spent a lot of time sitting outside. But, now that it has passed it's hot and still and getting muggier every day. Summer in the south is arriving!